Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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