people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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