This is not my ceiling
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
