Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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