Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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