Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
