too bad you live with your parents still
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
