Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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