The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
no, he came in my armpit
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
