Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
