She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize