My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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