So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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