I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
3pm strippers are depressing
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
