I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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