I will die if light touches me.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I'm really busy with my period
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