He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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