i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
