Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
