you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
