In the future we'll all be gay
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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