Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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