I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
