You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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