OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Are we still banned from the library?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
