I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
