And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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