clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize