I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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