im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize