You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
