Banned from zoo.
Again?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
