I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
