Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
