Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
