Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(207): View more from Maine

If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.

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(573): View more from Missouri

i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out

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(325): View more from Texas

how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit

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(201): View more from New Jersey

oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.

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(407): View more from Florida

Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"

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(641): View more from Iowa

She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it

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(716): View more from New York

So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder

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(941): View more from Florida

It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it

(941): View more from Florida

Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini

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