i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
