oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
