The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
