Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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