So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
