I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
