I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
