i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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