when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
