Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
