Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
