You really coming over, don't trick.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
