the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
