Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Randomize
