I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Less talking, more tequila
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
