i was born a porn star she said
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
This house was built for laser tag.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
