dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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