There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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