I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
