they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
