I wannas sexs uuuuu
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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