yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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